Get Inside Her: Dirty Dating Tips & Secrets From A Woman On How To Attract, Seduce And Get Any Female You Want by Marni Kinrys

Author:Marni Kinrys
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781624090059
Publisher: Velocity House
Published: 2013-11-10T05:00:00+00:00

V. How to Avoid the Friend Zone

Urban Legend: The Man Who Went From Friend to Lover Just by Waiting Have you ever heard the story about the wimpy guy who was in love with a girl for two years? Well what happened was this. He focused so much attention on this girl, listened to her complain about boyfriends, went shopping with her, was her shoulder to cry on and was there for her whenever she needed him. He was so focused on one girl that he totally ignored other potential women because he was sure one day she would come around.

Well, turns about that she did! Moreover, he didn’t even have to say anything. One day the girl turned to him and said, “Oh my God, why hadn’t I ever noticed you before. You are exactly the man I want and have always needed. I love you and want to have sex with you every day to make up for lost time.”

You want to know why you have never heard this story before? Because, it did not happen and never will. That is not how women work and using this semi manipulative tactic of back routing to attraction will always fail. Do not ask to be a friend if what you want is to get busy. Ask to get busy.

The Difference Between a Friend and a Lover

I have an exercise for you. A guy that wrote into me asking about the Friend Zone and how to get out of it inspired this one. I told him that the only one who is responsible for you being in the Friend Zone is you. Then I gave him an assignment.

I told him to write me two lists. One list is a list of characteristics of a friend. The other is a list of characteristics of a lover. I told him that once he wrote the list it would be obvious to him where he was going wrong.

Here is his list:

Characteristics of a friend:

1 Trustfulness

2 Can talk to during times of emotional needs

3 Be there for personal advice and personal support

4 Can talk about anything together

5 Fiercely Loyal

6 Defend my friends no matter what the odds or the enemy 7 Regularly staying in contact

8 Defending my friends’ names

9 Willing to talk anytime when your friend is in trouble 10 Do anything for your friend

11 Defends friend’s honor

12 Forgiving

Characteristics of a Lover, Partner, Sexual Option:

1 Confident

2 Shows Commitment

3 Crazy Fun

4 Very Unpredictable

5 Shows Loyalty

6 Willing to go beyond to prove I am worthy

7 Be very proactive for her

8 Put a smile on her face no matter what

9 Defend her honor

10 Be very challenging

11 Can connect emotionally

12 Brilliant sense of humor

Great list in my opinion. Do you see the subtle difference between friend and lover?

Many guys end up in the Friend Zone because they simply don’t present themselves as anything other than a friend. Actually what I think a lot of men are doing is attempting to show the woman what a great boyfriend they could potentially be. But ultimately this behavior ends up backfiring, because while they’ve been on their best future boyfriend behavior, they’ve also been failing at showing these women the real them.

Guys get so nervous to be in the Friend Zone that they freeze up and forget to put themselves in the sexual, partner zone and ultimately stay in the safe friend zone. They are stuck because they do not know how to change their behavior so that the woman they want will see them as something more.

Trust me when I say I feel the frustration of anyone in the Friend Zone. I have been on both ends of this scenario and neither feel nice. However, wanting someone silently is definitely worse than having your friend want you.

Therefore, I have an assignment for you. I gave the same assignment to this guy. This assignment will help you be clear on how to act with women you want and avoid being stuck in the Friend Zone. A simple assignment will help you decipher the difference between friend and lover.

Assignment:

I want you to write me two lists. One list is a list of the characteristics of a friend. The other is the characteristics of a lover/partner/sexual option. I know in your mind you know

the difference, but I want you to be aware of the differences so that you will never present yourself as a friend to a woman you want to do again. This list will help you be clear on how a friend acts vs. how a lover acts.

Do I Stay in the Friend Zone and Wait?

Email:

Hey Marni,

I’m writing to get your advice on an LJBF case I have here. I have known this girl for the last two years. It seems that we’re able to spend time together and then eventually we get close and she all of a sudden she seems to freak, puts up a barrier and bust out the “I don’t see you that way” line, “let’s just be friends” etc.

That has happened a couple of times over the years. Now, in part I realize that it’s to do with me not attracting her enough, especially the first time that happened. I am also feeling it has partly to do with her trying to cover up her insecurities too.

We went away together (first time) about a month ago. We had been getting close before that, but no kissing or intimacy of that level. During our trip, we got intimate. We did not sleep together, but she was naked. After which she started crying, and saying how we shouldn’t have done that and she doesn’t want to lead me on. Since then she has been a bit distant again.

I have been direct with her about it and she said the usual LJBF thing and how she thought I knew that it was just friendship. She said she knows I want more and even said she would only feel comfortable spending time with me if others were there as well. I have heard that line from her before though.

My sticking point is how to approach this. Do I stick to the being friends approach? I have told her to just be my friend now, but that that doesn’t mean I don’t ever want anything to happen. She knows I care about her.

I have said as much, rightly or wrongly. So would you say I should do the friends thing and just try to build up slowly again? Or, would you suggest going with no contact for at least three or four weeks and trying to re-set things after that?

E

My response:

E,

I guess the first question to ask is, are you okay with just being friends with her for the rest of your life? Meaning there isn’t a “wait a year and then…” It’s an, “I’m her friend and only her friend and I’m okay with it.” If the answer to this is yes, then totally be her friend.

However, if you want something else from her, then the “friendship” is false which is unfair to you and to her. She may have her issues with men but she does not need to work

them all out with you, especially if all you get is, lead on, and used for sexual pleasure.

Trust me - I have been in her shoes and I know that is what is happening right now. She is not purposely trying to hurt you or lead you on but it is what is happening and you

“seem” to be okay with it.

My advice is to think honestly. Are you okay being just friends? If the answer is “no,”

then it is time to separate from this girl. Give yourself some distance and do not be her faux boyfriend. Date other girls, sleep with other girls, and keep in touch with this girl. I pretty much guarantee there will be a shift in her attraction to you and if not, then you are out dating other girls so she doesn’t matter.

Marni

Have I Become “The Friend”? If So, How Do I Escape the Friend Zone?

Email:

Hi Marni,

I am in Mexico and I met a girl at a friend’s party last Friday. She came over to where I was chatting with someone and started to use the ashtray. Anyway, it was 11 p.m. and we got talking… and then it was 1 am and we were still talking. At this point, she had to leave, but we exchanged details.

She got in contact with me over the weekend and we met up last night.

From the moment we arrived, I was making her laugh. We shared a food platter and worked our way through crab claws, oysters, lobster - messy hands, bits of shell everywhere; a new experience for both of us (especially the oysters). We were having a great time making such a mess.

However, after a while, we got chatting a bit more deeply, and I think this is where I went a bit wrong. She talked about her son and then her ex (who she had had a row with that very morning because he will not get the message that it is over). She told me the difficulties of their relationship. She then started crying as she talked about the fact that she had gone through so much without having her family around to support - it was obviously very emotional. I comforted her and was understanding.

Should I have done something different here? However, thinking purely of her, I think she found it a real release to be able to talk to me about it all. I find myself caring about her -

I am a naturally caring person.

At the end of the night, after going for a walk (during which we messed around, I touched her lots - pushing, poking, flirting, etc.), we ended up at a little bar and chatted some more. It was then getting late, so I walked her to a taxi. This is the bit that I have so little experience of (having only ever actually kissed about five women in my entire life and having been an incredibly shy guy), but I wanted to kiss her.

I went for the kiss and she went straight to the side of my face and said to me, into my ear, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not in the right place for this right now.

It’s nothing about you,” I told her it was fine and we had a huge hug and she got into the

taxi and left.

At one am, she sent me a message to say this: “I’d like to apologize if I seemed overly reserved at the end of the evening, it’s hard to explain although I’m sure you probably understand given the conversation earlier in the evening (Sorry - I know I barely shut-up!

Next time you get to speak more, promise).

Right now I really am looking to make friends and keep things as simple as possible for the time being, as I really have nothing to offer anyone until I have “repaired” myself a little more and feel more grounded and secure. I hope you’re not offended and that you understand.”

I told her all was fine and that I totally understood. The frustrating thing is that I know exactly how she feels because I have been in the same place - but I haven’t actually had the opportunity to tell her that yet. I told her my heart had ruled my head in that moment, hence, I went for the kiss.

She then replied: “Phew! Was quite worried I had offended you for a moment there. I’m glad you understand because I really enjoyed the time we spent and I’d love to undertake more adventurous ramblings as it was definitely a lot of fun and really made me feel good!”

We are going to meet up again on Friday. Her communication towards me definitely shows interest and, having admitted to me that she hasn’t done anything remotely exciting for a long time, we enjoyed and created a memorable experience together.

My question is this: Am I doing things right, or have I just become an agony aunt and a friend?

Thank you Marni,

Alastair

My response:

Alastair,

I don’t know this woman but I can get a feeling for where she is at right now. In fact, I am sure that you can understand it better than me because you have been there yourself. To put myself in her shoes, I would think that on vacation, I just want to get away from it all. I would love if some man were able to lead me away from it all. Rather than help me dive further into it.

On this next date, I do not want you to worry about exchanging sob stories with her about your past. I would love for you to touch on it but I would also love for you to let her know that on vacation the rule is to leave your woes behind. Then lead her towards fun.

Touch her, look at her with smooth smirks, do the triangle (look from eye to eye then down to lips while she is talking) and keep it light!

This is not going to guarantee it will go to a romantic place but this gives you a better chance of taking it there. If you go in for the kiss again and she gives you the cheek I want you to look her in the eyes and tell her something you appreciate about her and that you

would be very mad at yourself if you didn’t kiss her.

I know I am always screaming to you guys to listen to women, but this time, stop listening, and start having fun.

Marni

How to Be a Bad Friend but a Freaking Good Lover

Every now and then, you have a good conversation about a very important topic, so I have decided to include the full transcript of my chat with Ryan D about men who are stuck in the Friend Zone and how it can destroy your romantic chances.

To listen to the full audio discussion and download the MP3 go to: http://www.winggirlmethod.com/Free-Stuff

Enjoy!

Ryan D: Hey everybody, Ryan here, and today I’m very excited because we will be talking about the Friend Zone, how to avoid it and how to get out of it, and to help me, I have my good friend, Marni, from the Wing Girl Method. Marni, how are you doing?

Marni Kinrys: I’m doing very well. I’m glad that you reached out to me about this topic because this is like one of the most pressing issues that I find men deal with every single day. So I love talking about it, and I myself have shoved many men into the Friend Zone over the years so I am the insider who definitely knows how to avoid it and how to get yourself out of it.

Ryan D: Fantastic, fantastic. For me, the Friend Zone is a tragedy. It’s men’s tragedy because you are in the space that causes desperation.

Marni Kinrys: Exactly.

Ryan D: I believe that there is no man on this planet who deserve that, who deserve to be, desperately wait for a woman to love him. That’s why I want to do this product, an apprentice program, Friend Zone Break.

Marni Kinrys: Oh, I completely agree with you with everything that you just said. My belief system actually is that the only person who puts you in the Friend Zone is you. It’s not the woman who is actually putting you into the Friend Zone. She’s allowing you to be there because she knows for sure that you want her and want to be with her, but because you are not asking to be in any other zone, you are not going to be placed in any other zone because you are not displaying masculine qualities that would elevate you out of the Friend Zone.

Ryan D: So let’s get started by what is your definition of the Friend Zone.

Marni Kinrys: Okay, I say I’m not a religious person at all, but I know that many people are, so I relate the Friend Zone to purgatory. Purgatory is a holding space. I think it’s a miserable space because it is not definite. You don’t know where you are going. You don’t know what you are doing. You are always living in fear. You are watching what you say.

You are watching what you do because one small little thing that you do could put you into heaven or put you into hell. So it’s like the horrible waiting space. It’s awful. It’s boring and bland. So hell is rejection. Hell is not getting the girl that you want, not being with the girl that you want, not having sex with the girl that you want, but it’s definitive.

You know exactly if you are not going to, it’s rejection.

Ryan D: Yes.

Marni Kinrys: You know you are not getting that girl, which means that you can open up your eyes to a world of what ifs. On the flipside, there is heaven and you do get what you want. You get sex. You get a relationship. You get dating. Whatever it is, those are definitive places, so purgatory is what I relate the Friend Zone to. It’s the awful holding space that nobody wants to be in.

Ryan D: Yeah. I agree and I would like to add that the Friend Zone steals your most precious resource that is time.

Marni Kinrys: Yes.

Ryan D: Because you keep waiting. You are in a space where nothing is really happening, okay?

Marni Kinrys: Right.

Ryan D: And it’s a tragedy. It’s really a tragedy, and there are two aspects to it. On one side, you have to avoid getting into the Friend Zone first, or you can try to get out of the Friend Zone, and that’s what we will be talking during this interview.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Ryan D: So Marni, how can a male not know if he is heading to the Friend Zone before it is too late?

Marni Kinrys: Yeah, that’s actually a good question. The telltale signs that you are heading to a Friend Zone is when a girl is talking to you about an ex-boyfriend or a current boyfriend. She’s calling you at 10 o’clock at night, possibly to cry or to talk and not hang out. Another sign is you go over to her place, you cuddle for an evening, and you do that multiple times in a row. You become her girlfriend. You go shopping with her.

She’s very comfortable in her pajamas around you. She’s comfortable like making a mess of herself around you, and ultimately what it is, it’s like that’s great. If you want to be friends with the woman and she gets to be that way with you, that’s wonderful. However, the telltale sign is when you are in that position and you actually want to be making out with this girl, sleeping with her and dating her.

Ryan D: Yes.

Marni Kinrys: When you are not getting what you want out of the situation, which is the number one sign to you that you are in the Friend Zone. So stop worrying about what she’s doing, be more concerned with what you are thinking, feeling, and doing.

Ryan D: Wow! So what can someone do when you first meet a woman to make sure that she doesn’t label his as a friend or just to put him in a platonic relationship?

Marni Kinrys: Yeah. I would say the best thing to do is, number one, not allow yourself

to become a friend, and when you notice yourself doing friendly things, like she starts talking about her ex-boyfriend, for example, you can put a stop on it and you can say, “We all have baggage absolutely. Let’s talk about something more interesting. Tell me about your panties,” or something like that. Do you know what I’m saying?

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Like pull it back and leave the conversation so that you are not always following her. You are not letting her take the lead. You are not letting her tell you who you are to her and what it is that you can do together. A lot of men that I work with, when they approach a woman, they fire questions at her, and when a woman asks questions back, they are so worried about stating their opinion on something, because they feel like if they say the wrong thing. They could lose her forever that they just become bland and boring and they never state their opinions and they do whatever this girl wants, and that ultimately winds them up in the Friend Zone because they wait for her lead. They wait until she reaches out. They wait until she initiates something. They wait until she invites them somewhere. They wait until she wants to do something. When, in fact, what would get you out of the Friend Zone is doing the exact opposite by telling her what you want and acting accordingly. Not quite being an asshole and not listening and compromising, but by actually taking the lead and saying, “You know what, I want to go to this place.”

That’s great that you want to go there, but let’s go there after. But I want to take you to this place and I want to show you why it’s so great,” rather than, “Sure, I’ll do whatever you say.”

Ryan D: Got it. Got it. So Marni, do you think that most women make a quick or a rapid decision about men in terms of bad guy friend, bad guy potential boyfriend, bad guy potential lover, or it’s more something okay. Can you tell me more about that?

Marni Kinrys: Yeah, well, absolutely. I can tell you that it also changes over time, depending on the actions that the man takes.

Ryan D: Okay.

Marni Kinrys: So I’m going to tell you a story about one woman that I know who is a Penthouse pet actually.

Ryan D: Okay.

Marni Kinrys: So she’s a very beautiful woman. She’s a model. She is a sex icon for millions of men around the world, so she’s wanted basically, and she met this one guy. She flew to LA. She met this one guy. She was there for a week and they just hit it off. They had the best times. She was totally into him having so much, but he never made a move.

He never initiated a kiss. He never led her in any way, and by the end of that week, she got frustrated because subconsciously what that woman is thinking is, “I’m not attractive. He doesn’t want me. Why won’t he man up? I’m not going to approach him and make this happen. Even though I am who I am, I still want to be feminine. I don’t want to lunge after some guy and chase after a guy.” It’s all the things that men think as well. So she got pissed off at him. She was very angered by him at the very end. When women get angry, their tension comes out in a kind of cool way because they don’t want to give anything to that guy. They are just like so bitter and they cannot say it aloud like, “Why won’t you just kiss me?” Because they don’t want to be the aggressor and they don’t want to be the man,

so at the very end, she basically ended up treating him horribly because she was so angered by him. Then he would still reach out to her all the time in New York and every time that she would get a text or an email, she would say, “What do you want from me?

Why are you reaching out to me if you are not going to take action and do something?”

So she went back to New York and he came back to Los Angeles a few months later.

They were still in touch and she was so angered and actually felt bad about herself in this situation. She had him pick her up from the airport, not that she took advantage of him, but that’s the way that her discomfort and anger were shown where she was like, “I’m going to be around you and I’m going to kind of treat you horribly.” It’s not meant to be that way at all, but she was just angered and she said to me at the very end, she’s like,

“Yes, I’ve had all of this happen. I’m so frustrated and so turned off by him, but if we were driving back to the airport and he pulled the car over the side of the road and said,

“Listen, I don’t want any of this bullshit anymore. I want you. I want to be with you,’ and kissed her.” She’s like, “I would be with him in two seconds.” She’s like, “All I want him to do is man up and be the man. I don’t want to be the man in this situation. I don’t, and I’m frustrated by the fact that he won’t take action.” I think that that story really shows how easy it is to get into the possible Friend Zone. By taking action, you can get whatever you want, and either you take action and the woman says, “Yuck, I’m not into it,” and then you go away and move on to somebody else who is into it, or you take action and you get what you want. But staying in this Friend Zone is just a safe space for both people.

Ryan D: Oh yeah.

Marni Kinrys: The woman gets the guy around her that she knows like he loves her and she gets wonderful admiration and intention, and the guy gets to think that, “One day, we will be together.”

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: That’s a wonderful feeling. So it’s a safe space for both people, but it actually ends up hurting both people in the end.

Ryan D: So Marni, what you are saying is that many men put themselves into the Friend Zone by not being aggressive enough.

Marni Kinrys: Assertive enough. I don’t like the word “aggressive.”

Ryan D: Right, yeah, yeah.

Marni Kinrys: But assertive. So there is one other story that I’m going to tell because I want to paint a picture first, and so hopefully people will get lessons out of these stories, so that’s the way that I learn best.

Ryan D: Yeah, yeah.

Marni Kinrys: So there was one client that I worked with, and this is like a common thing. So he was out and he met this girl at a bar and they are talking, and within the first four minutes, she mentioned, “Oh my boyfriend.” So when a woman says “I have a boyfriend” in conversation, that to her is a silent contract saying to this man, “I have a boyfriend. I’m letting you know that I’m taken, but if you continue talking to me, then you are signing this contract saying you are okay with being friends with me, okay?”

Ryan D: Wow, okay.

Marni Kinrys: So for many guys, on the flipside, they think, “Oh, she’s saying she has a boyfriend, but she’s trying to challenge me to see if I can push the boyfriend away so I’m going to still pursue her.” So do you see how they are both coming at this “friendship”

state? They just take friendship from different angles. One is pursuing and getting frustrated if he’s not getting what he wants, and the girl is pursuing a friendship with the guy who she thinks or believes understands that she’s taken. So again, it’s a no-win situation. So the guy that I was working with was getting so frustrated because he would say he would reach out to her to go out and she would go out with him, like go out with a whole group of friends and he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to date him, and so he kept pursuing her. When he said something to her, and she’s like, “No, I have a boyfriend. I’m really just interested in being friends with you.” And he was so angered and so upset with her because he’s like, “Oh, she’s leading me on. She’s being horrible.

She’s treating me badly,” even though she said in the very beginning, “I’m taken.” They signed that silent contract that they are going to be friends.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Even if she’s talking bad about her boyfriend that things aren’t working, it doesn’t mean that you are ultimately going to be the one to be with her.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: It means that she is seeing you as a friend and it’s the same way that we talked about girlfriends, she’s talking about the things that are bothering her and you are her girlfriend to listen, not because she wants you to help her get out of her relationship, okay?

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: So that’s like a different situation of the Friend Zone.

Ryan D: Yeah, yeah.

Marni Kinrys: But it’s commonly what I see as well with guys.

Ryan D: Okay, again, do you have seen a woman consciously or subconsciously enjoy the idea to have many male friends?

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely, I loved it when I was younger. I love having guys around me.

First of all, I love the guys in general. They are so much easier to hang out with. There wasn’t as much pressure. The reason I actually started my company, I think, was that back then I didn’t understand how to connect with women. So I learned how to and then how I coach other men how to. I’m married to a man, so I’m not pursuing them for sex or relationships, but it’s still the same thing, it’s connecting with women and attracting them overall for a long-term basis. So yeah, I love hanging out with guys.

I also loved being around guys that I knew kind of wanted me. I love that my friends some of them at certain times that I know that I could have had my choice if I wanted them. But the truth is, that any of my guy friends, if they actually would have said something to me and they would have said, “I want to be with you,” and they rose up on the masculine scale, I would have been with one of them.

But nobody ever said anything, so it was like a nice feeling to be around where I would go up to my friend’s cottage and I loved his cottage. I feel so much at home. We were great friends, but we would sleep in the same bed with each other, and it was fun. We would talk all night, and I had loved it. I loved that I love that I had a fake boyfriend, and then I would go fool around with other jackasses or have sex with other jerky guys and hate me and be miserable, and my guy friends will be upset, too, because they weren’t with me.

Ryan D: Wow.

Marni Kinrys: Again, I’m going to repeat, if one of them has said to me and/or taken action sexually, I would have done it because I loved every one of them.

Ryan D: Wow!

Marni Kinrys: But they weren’t displaying that masculinity that I wanted and needed by taking action.

Ryan D: Yeah, it is very ironic that the guy that you kind of like lost you because he doesn’t make a move.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Ryan D: And the guy who is a jerk actually got you because he’s confident enough to go after what he wants.

Marni Kinrys: Exactly, and then you get rid them afterwards.

Ryan D: Yeah, yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Because that’s what it really, do with you. Actually, I have one girlfriend now who just started dating a guy, and she said that the first time that they hang out; he said something very attractive to her. He said, “I’m going to be honest with you.” He’s like in his mid-thirties, “So I’m going to be very honest with you, I don’t play games.

I’m done with all of that stuff like I’m going to go after what I want. I don’t know if I want you yet, but just to let you know, I’m not in this to mess around with your head or mine.” And she really appreciated that. She was like, “Oh, that was super sexy that he said that comment.”

And since then, for the past two months, he has been quite aggressive with her, but aggressive by calling all the time and contacting and wanting to go on dates, but not very assertive and masculine with her. He’s actually quite effeminate. It’s kind of turned her off a little bit, but she likes him and she’s enjoying him and so recently, she said he did step it up and she is being more assertive and respectful of himself, valuing himself more by taking the lead. And for a while, she was questioning whether she could be with him, even though she really liked him.

So it’s sort of like the Friend Zone that I was talking about before. Even though they were being intimate with each other, but she wasn’t really enjoying it and she wasn’t sure, but she liked him. She wants to keep seeing him to see if there was something there and now that he’s being assertive, she’s totally into it. She really likes him. He’s taking the lead. He’s making decisions. He’s planning things for them and he’s letting her know that

he wants to ravage her. He wants to be sexual with her. He doesn’t just want to hang out with her and take her to places. She said that was important to her. It’s like a big flip in her attraction levels because it makes her want to continue seeing him because she was saying she’s a very assertive woman as well.

She’s like, “I’m quite assertive, and sometimes people do see me as being more masculine.” Even though she’s like stunning and beautiful and the least masculine person ever, but she’s like, “I need somebody that is more masculine than me. I don’t want to be with a girl.” She’s like, “That’s why I’m not a lesbian. So I want to be with a man and a man is somebody who is masculine.”

Ryan D: Right. Do you think that there was a point of no return where if a man is not assertive enough and don’t make a move, it’s lost, and he’s going to be put in the Friend Zone?

Marni Kinrys: No, I don’t believe that. Women aren’t like men, so from my research and my information like I know that men make decisions based on experience, right?

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: And I feel like women do as well, but women more importantly make decisions based on emotions and feelings.

Ryan D: Yes.

Marni Kinrys: So they can be quickly erased and replaced with new emotions, new feelings, and new memories, but they have to be consistent and congruent. Whatever direction you choose to change with, it has to be consistent and congruent. So for example, even in the Friend Zone for three years, like for my guy friends, we were friends for very long time, and if suddenly, the guy, something switches in him and he says,

“Okay, I’m done with the Friend Zone. I don’t want to be friends with this girl anymore.”

“I realized now I want to be with her and I have to say something.” So if one of my guy friends, for example, would have said to me, “You know what? I realized recently I want to be with you. I don’t want to be friends with you, and I won’t allow myself to be friends with you.” So if you said that to me and I said, “Well, I really see you as a friend,” which is me saying, “Great, you are making this statement. You are being masculine for this split second.” But this is after three years of being in a situation and not two weeks, so three years. So I would think like, “Okay, well, it doesn’t really mean anything. You are not really stepping up and being that guy yet.”

So in order for that to be effective, so it’s what I was saying before about consistent and congruent, that man actually has to step away and say and have the boundary to say, “I will not be your friend.” So stepping away from the friendship and not giving me friendship, so he actually has to cut me off in a certain way, or set the boundaries that if he’s going to hang out with me, we are going out to date. I cannot sit around my pajamas with him that we are going out at 8 o’clock, we are going for dinner, there is going to be making out at the end, like it has to be pursuing me on a non-friendship level, and that’s up to him.

If still I don’t want to switch around, then he has to cut me off because it’s not healthy for either of us, and ultimately you are not getting what you want. If you want something

more from me and I only want a friendship, then that’s a relationship that doesn’t work, whether it’s a friendship relationship or a relationship, we both want separate things.

It’s same thing in a marriage. If you want different things and you cannot compromise and work together, then you are not meant to be together. You have to separate and go find what you want.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: So again, everything can be switched around as long as the man is consistent and congruent with what he says. If he says he wants more than a friendship, he has to act that way.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: He cannot fall back into the friendship again thinking, “Oh well, I said it once so she knows what I want.” It doesn’t work that way.

Ryan D: I agree with you. I agree with you. So it’s very interesting because as you were talking, I realized that the man has many responsibilities in this Friend Zone thing.

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely.

Ryan D: And it’s not just, “Oh, that woman put me in the Friend Zone,” he kind of put himself in the Friend Zone by not doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Does it make…

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely, nobody puts you anywhere. It’s the same thing when people say things like, “Oh, they made me feel this way.” Nobody made you feel that way. You made yourself that way. The action that they were doing made you feel that way, but you are responsible for your own feelings. Nobody else is responsible to your own feelings. If you keep returning, it’s like an abused wife. You keep going back to the guy that’s hitting you. Yes, the guy is at fault for hitting, but you are responsible for taking yourself out of your home, and even though it’s difficult and challenging, it’s your responsibility to remove yourself from that situation, to do everything you can to not be in that situation.

So if a woman says to you, “No, I just want to be friends. I really like you that way. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” You say, “Okay, I’m sorry, but I can’t be friends with you, and you are going to have to respect me, but I’m going to need to take some space from you for all that. I’ll cut it down to maybe an hour a week of hanging out with you or whatever.”

Whatever you feel comfortable with in the very beginning, that still establishes yourself as a non-friend, but you can say during that hour, “I’m going to be pursuing you. I’m pursuing you for a relationship, and I’m going to show you that we are meant to be with each other.” But if you then go back into the same routine like cuddling and sleeping over at her house and not doing anything or being there and listen to her cry about her boyfriend, then you just said something, but you are not really taking action to following up on your words. So it’s kind of like a fake statement.

A woman is not going to take the lead. She will never take a lead. It’s the same thing when you approach a woman cold, she is not going to suddenly open up and try to make you comfortable in conversation. In the very beginning if you’ve approached a woman, it is your job to tell her what you want, either subconsciously or non-verbally.

Ryan D: Oh, wow! I really agree with that. Okay, so let’s get to how to turn her into a girlfriend level. We will be talking about it apparently, but let’s get more into that. Let’s say someone is a friend with a woman for a long time. It was like a year now.

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Ryan D: How can he change the perception that this woman has of him?

Marni Kinrys: Exactly everything that I just said to you. It’s like to change the perception; you have to change the perception of yourself, right?

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: So I’m not going to see anything unless you show me it. So if you have changed your point of view in the fact that you want to have a relationship now, then I need you to show me that. I need you to step up and be that guy. I am not a mind reader, so I am not going to be able to subconsciously know what you are thinking and feeling, and vice versa, I am concerned with myself.

I’m not concerned with other people. I’m a caring person, and most women are as well, but more importantly, we are concerned about ourselves until we are in a relationship or a friendship or related to somebody where we do grow to care about somebody then you are concerned about other people as well. But yeah, if you need to express these changes, then you have to express the changes and then stick with what you’ve expressed.

Ryan D: So you are saying that the men should express verbally his intention.

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely.

Ryan D: Or he can you just start to blend where he can non-verbally blend the idea it was more than a friendship.

Marni Kinrys: Well, I guess, the thinking is that I always say if you want something, you have to ask for it.

Ryan D: Okay.

Marni Kinrys: So yes, you can sneakily plant the seed. I don’t really know what that would even look like if you secretly planted the seed, like suddenly like grab her boob. I don’t know what like the moves that you can make, but I would say, at some point when you are in a calm setting, probably not when you are out of the bar drunk and like fighting, you want to be in a calm space. It’s the same thing when you are in a relationship, you don’t want to bring things up when other things are going on.

So you say to the girl, “Hey, look, I want to talk to you about something.” And if she says okay, and then you say, “Here is what I’m thinking; this is what I’ve been thinking recently. I realized that we get along really well. I’m very attracted to you and I don’t want a friendship with you. I actually want to pursue you. I don’t know if we are meant to be in a relationship with one another, but I want to date you. That’s what I want.” And then she can give her response whatever it is like it can be, “Me, too. I really want to be with you.”

Or it will be like, “No, I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

That’s sometimes fear or maybe she’s not attracted to you at that point, then okay, and so whatever it is that she says. So if she says, “No, I don’t want to that.” And then you say to

her, “Okay, that’s okay. I do want that. So I’m going to have to take a step back because I have to re-evaluate and think about what I want. But I cannot stay in what we have right now. It’s not healthy for me and it’s not healthy for you. It’s not fair to either of us.” So then you take a step back, or you say, “If we are going to hang out, then I’m going to pursue you.”

So then when you are pursuing her, then you do sexier things, more dating things. You don’t go over to her house at 11 o’clock at night and sitting in your pajamas and like fart in front of her. What you do is at 9 o’clock at night, you say, “All right, we are going for a drink now. Put on a nice dress, and we are going out. I’m taking you out.”

And when you are there, you touch her. You don’t talk about any ex-boyfriends or about other things. You talk about more fun-like things and you kiss. You are going for the kiss at the end of the night, and if still she doesn’t want that and it feels uncomfortable after a couple of weeks, then you say, “Okay, obviously, this isn’t something that you want, it’s something I want. So we kind of have to break up for a bit.”

Ryan D: Is it like pressing the reset button on the friendship, from the relationship?

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely, because you are going in a new direction now. You can still have your friendship there, so you will have that comfort level, but friendship is very different from a relationship.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Like with my husband, I have a friendship with him, but we are in a relationship definitely. We are very comfortable with each other. We share a bathroom, so there are non-sexy things that are involved in our relationship, but we are intimate with each other. We are sexual with each other and sexy around each other, and there are moments of friendship, but if I ever felt that we were in a straight friendship, oh well, that’s not a relationship. That’s a friendship. So you have to draw that line, and sometimes for people, they have to decide what the difference is for them, like what it looks like.

If you need to make a list, jot down what a relationship means to you. So you can say dating means this, dating means you go out on dates, dating means you make out at the end of the day, dating means you sleep with somebody, so that you have those things in mind as to what dating is and a friendship is.

Ryan D: Right, okay. If a romantic relationship is not possible, do you think that the man should just cut off the relationship?

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely. It doesn’t mean you have to be a jerk because you can say to a woman, “Look, this is what I have to do because this is what I want. So can you please respect me and give me some space? I cannot give you the friendship that you want right now, because I have to take care of myself.” And most likely a woman is going to reach out to you and text you most likely when she’s drunk because it’s a good thing. You were in a relationship of some sorts, so suddenly there is a void in her life. There is a void in your life, too. So just like most relationships where you go back for like break-up sex, it’s going to be the same thing with that friendship. She’s suddenly are going to reach out to you because you are in her routine, but the thing is that if you make a decision you have to be strong with your decision, and you have to have those boundaries up and you can’t help

comfort her while you are trying to get over the breakup as well. She has to go and reach out to her other friends and fill that void on her own. It’s not your responsibility to help her get through with it.

Ryan D: It’s very interesting because I feel subconsciously a lot of men stay in the Friend Zone because they are afraid of what you just said that if you don’t want the relationship, you would have to cut off the woman from their life.

Marni Kinrys: Yeah.

Ryan D: And I think it is very tough. It’s not easy. What can you tell to the men who are listening who are scared of losing that woman because they will have to make a decision?

Marni Kinrys: Well, you’ve already lost her basically, and then you lose your manhood if you keep going back to her.

Ryan D: Right.

Marni Kinrys: That’s all I have to tell them. That’s why it’s amazing. It’s like you cannot say one thing and then still do another. It’s like if you want somebody to believe you and take your word for things and trust what you say, then you can’t say, “Okay, I can only be with you if we are in a relationship,” and then you start hanging out as friends again, what does that show a woman?

On the flipside, think about it, as someone was to do that to you. If someone says to you,

“Yeah, I won’t be able to be your gardener anymore.” And then comes back every day and gardens for you, what does that mean? It means, “Okay, well, now, you can be my gardener for free. Okay, fine. I’m going to take advantage of that. If you are going to be my gardener, I’ll ask you to do certain things.” So the thing is that if you are not true to your word, then how can anybody else be?

Ryan D: Yeah, it’s true. I agree with that. I really agree with that.

Marni Kinrys: Cool.

Ryan D: So let’s go to the other side and when a romantic relationship happened because she likes you and everything is okay. So what can you tell, or what kind of advice and tips can you give to make sure that the relationship works well in the future?

Marni Kinrys: To make sure that the relationship works well in the future. Ooh.

Ryan D: I mean, because they were friends, girlfriend/boyfriend, so it has changed the dynamic of the relationship.

Marni Kinrys: I really believe, and I know everybody says communication is key, but it really is key, communication, and removing your ego from a relationship. A relationship will never succeed if you have your ego inside of that relationship. There is no room for four people in a relationship.

So communication like for me, before I got into a marriage, in a relationship, I really thought communication was just talking to your partner, not like actually talking about things that are uncomfortable and awkward, and shoving your ego aside. So I think that for anybody who is shifting - sorry, I’m changing my chair so maybe I’m making noises -

shifting from friendship to a relationship, I think there needs to be a discussion about

expectations.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: Again, what it looks like, and like having check-ins every once in a while and sit down with each other and just say like, “Okay, what is this new relationship for us look like? Like what do you want in a relationship?” And then vice versa, what do the other person wants, and then check in maybe a month later and say it like, “You know, how is everything going? I’m really enjoying this relationship. I like where it’s going. I would like to see more of X, Y, and Z.”

Ryan D: Wow!

Marni Kinrys: And then you talk about it in a very safe place. If you already have that friendship and you know each other, it is easier to have those conversations. That takes a while in the beginning of the relationship because most people are afraid to rock the boat by saying what their needs are, what they want, so it gets a little scary. But overall, communication about what you want and need out of a relationship and then hearing the other person’s point of view and coming to a compromise or understanding in general is the way that relationship succeed.

It’s the same thing with friendships. It’s the same thing in family, although family is a whole other different, but with everything, working relationships. You constantly have to express what you are thinking and wanting because you two are not mind readers so they are not going to know to give you something if they don’t know that you want it, or they may not even know to do it because they didn’t grow up that way. So they don’t know that those things are acceptable in your eyes unless you tell them.

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: So it’s constant communication. Sorry, that’s a long answer for a short question, but yeah.

Ryan D: Yeah, so making sure that you’ve gotten all of your expectations.

Marni Kinrys: Exactly.

Ryan D: Okay. Marni, I have one last question for you.

Marni Kinrys: Okay.

Ryan D: Do you believe that men and women can be just friends?

Marni Kinrys: Absolutely, if that’s what both people want. I think that there is always that question because if it is a male-female dynamic, you are always thinking, “Hmmm, is this person for me in that way? Should they be? Should he be my boyfriend? Should he be my partner?”

Ryan D: Yeah.

Marni Kinrys: But yeah, I think that male-female friendships can definitely exist. It’s just depends like what the other person wants. If both people are honestly and truly really satisfied and happy with the friendship, then absolutely. But if one person wants something more and isn’t saying anything, that’s not a real friendship. Like I’m home for the holidays right now visiting my friends, and my friends are guys.

I went over to my friend Steve the other day to his house. He bought a house. It’s like a block and a half away from my parents, so I went over to his house, and at that time, I could question, “Oh, should I go to Steve? Should I not go to Steve?” I didn’t have that obviously. He’s married now. I’m married now and it was asexual when we were in there, and it was nice. I’m like, “I like that you can move past that phase and actually be friends.” And I know that if I ever did need anything, he would be there. He is my real friend, and vice versa for him.

Ryan D: Oh, wow!

Marni Kinrys: So yes, I do believe that men and women can be friends as long as both sides are honest about what they want.

Ryan D: Wow! And I would like to add that it’s always sane to have female friends, just platonic female friends.

Marni Kinrys: Oh yeah. That’s the base of my business. If you can have a female friendship that is a real friendship, oh my God, you have like magic at your fingertips. As long as you tell your girlfriends, and I say this to everybody because my company is The Wing Girl Method, you can have your own wing girl at any point in time.

If you tell your girlfriends, “I want the truth from you and I want you to give me real information, even if it hurts my feelings and tell me every-thing that women wants to do and say, don’t want.” You have to train your women to be honest with you, and it’s the same thing in a relation-ship, you can let them know that you can handle what they are going to say because women are going to tell you the truth if you are very clear on the fact that you want it.

Ryan D: Okay. Marni, I already told you that before what I like about you is how you give the real like no BS female perspective. As I said, not the socially accepted female perspective like, “Oh, just be you with this kind of stuff.” But really the real stuff, the real stuff.

Marni Kinrys: Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that.

Ryan D: And you are being honest with guys, and that’s why you are awesome.

Marni Kinrys: Thank you.

Ryan D: So guys, go to http://www.winggirlmethod.com/ if you want to have Marni as your wing girl and to have all the free stuff, free articles and her newsletter that you get from her website. Marni, thank you very much.

Marni Kinrys: Oh, thank you.

Ryan D: I hope we will have you again for another interview.

Marni Kinrys: Oh, definitely, anytime. I love talking with you. For some reason you give me good energy.

Ryan D: Thank you.

Marni Kinrys: So I always feel like I give valuable information when I talk to you. With other people that I talk to sometimes, I don’t deliver the same. I have like a nice connection with you. So anytime that you have a question, ask me.

Ryan D: Thank you. I will for sure. Okay. Talk to you soon. Thank you very much.

Marni Kinrys: Oh.

Ryan D: Talk to you soon, guys. Bye.

Marni Kinrys: Thank you.

She’s Just Not That Into You: Don’t Mistake Emotional Banter for Flirtatious Banter

Women give guys loads of signs when they’re interested in them (in fact you can learn more about these on my Signs She’s Into You list) but want to know one sign she’s not interested?

When she complains about her boyfriend

Even if she tells you, “I would love to date you if I didn’t have a boyfriend” she is not looking for a date, but for an emotional crutch. She does not want to cheat on her boyfriend, or ditch him, in the end; instead, she is just looking for a short-term quick fix of attention.

The woman you like probably is not doing this harmfully, or even fully consciously. All she is aware of is that her boyfriend is not giving her all of the validation, attention, and security that she needs: so she is spreading her wings and seeing if she can plug that gap elsewhere.

She may have just had a fight with him over his boys’ night out, be pissed that he hasn’t text her back that evening or be feeling insecure after she found out that her guy’s ex was a swimwear model. It really could be any number of reasons, small or large, but it is far more about her relationship with him, than her attraction to you.

I know this is not what you want to hear but you may just have just been in the right bar, at the right time, to be on the receiving end of her fishing for attention.

She wants to feel appreciated; however, now, you are not the person she truly wants to feel appreciated by

Therefore, your flirting with her will act like an emotional Band-Aid for now: but as soon as her boyfriend heals the rift, she will not need your attention, dates, or flirtation anymore. She may even feel guilty for having looked to you to fill this emotional void: and will back off completely.

So even if she is:

• Smiling at you

• Touching your arm and leaning in

• Telling you that she thinks you are handsome If it all comes with her sighing, “I would love to stay in touch if I didn’t have a boyfriend,” do not take her signs seriously. It’s very easy when a girl is giving you these huge signals to ignore the fact that she has a man, and hope that she will cheat on him with

you tonight.

While I am not going to pass judgment on any of you guys for thinking that: even if she did cheat, it would create a messy and complicated situation that you would not want to find yourself in! So get out and move on! You can enjoy the flirting in return, but do not get invested. Do not spend hours hanging out with her, listening to her, and pursuing her with endless texts and emails, as this is one clear route straight to the Friend Zone.

So next time you get a girl flirting with you, while telling you she is unavailable, I want you to enjoy the brief flirtation and then move on. Unless you want to be her friend, move on! There will be loads of other women who will want to flirt with you for real. So ditch the emotional banter with taken women, and have flirtatious banter, with single women instead.

What Do I Do If She Starts Talking About Her Guy Problems on a Date?

Email:

Marni,

Here’s a question I have not seen the answer to. What do I do about a woman who does nothing but talk to a guy about her problems and depressions? How do I handle this in particular and move things to a more romantic footing (as this is happening to me right now)?

James

My response:

James

Friends let women cry on their shoulders. Men lead them away from their problems.

What I am getting at is that it is up to you to shake up the situation that is in front of you.

If you go on a date and a woman starts unloading her woes on you, quickly nip that shit in the bud.

There’s no crying in baseball and there is certainly no crying on dates. I would never want you to do that on a date.

Women are going to go wherever they are emotionally led to. So if you are on a date and start talking about the “the past” and her “ex,” hold her hand for a second and tell her,

“We all have a past. We all have been hurt. However, tonight is about tonight. Now, what are you going to get? The sirloin looks good.”

Do this, instead of firing off questions at her so that she opens up and tells you more about her abusive ex-husband or past break up that left her in shambles. I know you think that this is polite to do because it shows you can listen, but it is the one-way ticket to friendship town.

So lead away from this conversation. A woman wants a man that can keep her safe and secure. The first step to showing that to her, is that you help her avoid her past by showing

her what she could have in the future.

Marni

She Brought Her Ex on Our Date

Email:

Marni,

I went on a date with a girl. It was our second date and she brought along her ex. What does this mean? Is she into me? Confused at what’s going on.

Any help would be appreciated.

Max

My response:

Max,

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! She brought a guy, let alone an ex on your date?

Did you make it clear you were asking her on a date? Did she ask your permission to bring someone along? The answers to these questions do not matter but the message behind them should. If you are not clear with your intentions then a woman is free to interpret how she pleases.

I have to be honest and say she probably knew you wanted to be alone with her but obviously did not want that. If she were into you, she would not have brought along another dude. To me it sounds like this was her subtle way of saying, “I’m not into you, but I am open to being friends.”

In the future if this situation happens again, get your self-respect back by saying “I’m asking you on a date and therefore want it to be just the two of us.” If she does not feel comfortable with that then she will tell you. Honesty and being clear on what you want are the best time-savers and money-savers in the world.

Remember, you are always allowed to speak your mind as long as you do it from a calm, comfortable place. As soon as you get defensive or accusatory, you lose.

Marni

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